Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Ask Shia's Advice #2

Dear Shia,

So I connected some "dots" earlier this week that have led me to suspect that a guy friend I have had for over a decade might in fact want to be more than just my friend. I'm not in love with him, and I feel that the only way I would ever consider dating a friend is if I felt that it could be...everything, you know?!

He just told a close friend that he has basically liked me since he met me (but I've been in other relationships until fairly recently). Now I feel worried about hanging out with him. I don't want to have him ask me out and I shoot him down and in doing so, lose a friend. How would you let someone down nicely in this situation?

I've heard someone wise tell me once that guys that are just "friends" aren't possible. Maybe I have to face this reality!

Please help =)
Just Friends in Friendlyville


Dear Just Friends in Friendlyville, 

As if we didn't have ENOUGH problems with guys...they had to come up with this one. I have definitely been in your shoes! 

My experience:  I had a great guy friend through college...when I met Paul and told him about our 1st and 2nd date...he told me that Paul and I were going to end up moving in together and getting married.  I was like COME ON...I've been on like 2 dates!  That's when he dropped the bomb....he likes me...he always liked me...now we no longer speak....at first it hurt because I lost such a great friend but now I realize...he was never my friend.

Here's what I think... 

1) GUYS ARE NEVER YOUR FRIENDS! Basically it sounds like from day one this fella has had feelings for you but he was just scared to come out and say it....wasn't the right time...he didn't have the balls WHATEVER. So he just sat back leading you down the happy go lucky trail of being his "friend" meanwhile he is always thinking about when he'll make his move. Manipulation...the foundation for a good relationship? 

2) GUYS ARE NEVER YOUR FRIENDS! Is this someone who is has been in your life for a long time and you have a deep connection? If so, you're probably feeling guilty for leading him on....WRONG! He lead YOU ON by making you think he was your friend when he wasn't. It's a two way street. He's the one throwing up the detour signs...not you. 

3) GUYS ARE NEVER YOUR FRIENDS! Just be honest like you have been from the beginning. Don't feel guilty to do something you don't want to do. Love is not being told someone likes you and then you decide okay yeah this might work. You are not obligated to love {or like} him back. No you won't go out with him to see "what if" you already know him...you know he's not the one for you ~ he's YOUR FRIEND! 

4) GUYS ARE NEVER YOUR FRIENDS! Are you newly single? It could be just him seeing an opportunity to weasel himself in {you hang out with the same people, do the same stuff in a group, etc.}...sure...he's friendly now...sure he wants to date you...but what's the real reason. It's called opportunistic...this looks like a sure thing. Does that sound friendly? 

5) GUYS ARE NEVER YOUR FRIENDS! So when you tell him that you only want to be his friend ~ the relationship will probably end {i.e. meaning he was NEVER your friend} be prepared for that. It might be an adjustment not having him around but remind yourself that he was never there for the right reasons. 

Sounds like you have a pretty wise friend...LISTEN TO HER...she is right...GUYS ARE NEVER YOUR FRIENDS! 

All in all...just be honest. If he asks you out just tell him the truth. If you you're not honest then you will be the one to blame because now you're playing games too. 

Keep me posted...I'd love for this to be THE FIRST GUY that will say...ok yeah...let's just be friends and NOT miraculously fall off the planet. 

Also, if you are someone about to comment….but Shia I have a guy friend…try to make a move on him….I dare you….you’ll soon find out….friend?  Not so much.  Now okay, if it’s your guy’s friend and he’s nice and friendly because you’re with your guy than that doesn’t count…he’s not your friend…he’s your guy’s friend. 

♥ Shia

Don't forget if you need advice on something ... email me at Ask.Shias.Advice@gmail.com!!!

7 comments:

  1. I have always had the opposite issue here. I always had just guy friends and thats all they were, I knew the difference right away on the ones that were not confident and hung around waiting to see if I'd bite. So the B that I am would tell them right from the beginning, if you want to be friends with me I will never want a romantic relationship with you, if you have any other desires, your wasting your time... so that never became an issue.. All the above I have seen, but woman tend to lead them on and these are the results.

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  2. Amen, Shia! Guy's are not your friend unless they're gay (in no way hating -I have several gay and lesbian friends) or you've known them since childhood. However, even the childhood ones will make a move on you if given the chance.

    You're advice is sound.

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  3. hate it when that happens
    i lost many friends like that.

    Hopefully she can do something
    about it and not lose her close friend!




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  4. I love these columns! Maybe you could help me out with my latest fiasco that I blogged about - I don't know how to flirt! Haha

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  5. As we've seen in 'When Harry Met Sally', the movie, I think it's hard to keep friendship between man and woman. There definitely a trigger that could lead to another level of 'friendship'. So sad. xoxo

    http://hellofridaybypaik.blogspot.com/

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  6. Hey Shia I'm actually reading the swan thieves by Elizabeth Kostova. She's my favorite author, her first book The Historian is my favorite book!!!

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  7. I completely agree! I spend far too long trying to convince everyone (myself included) that Tony and I were just friends!

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Thank you so much for commenting! I really appreciate it!

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